Roadblocks and
Stepping Stones

Suggestions from Experienced Survivors

A List of Helpful Suggestions

A Basic Plan for Surviving the Holidays After The Loss Of A Loved One

HOLIDAY PROBLEMS
HOLIDAY SOULUTIONS

HOLIDAY PROBLEMS - ROADBLOCKS
  • Overwhelming sense of loss
  • Overwhelming emotions
  • Being alone
  • Traditions that have changed
  • Triggers ("land mines") - reminders of your loss - music, cards, greetings, etc...
  • Others' expectations
  • Lack of energy
  • Lack of "holiday spirit"
  • Negative associations with holidays
  • Previous history of disappointing holidays or unhappy relationships

HOLIDAY SOLUTIONS - STEPPING STONES
  • Plan ahead
  • Have a backup plan
  • Embrace the feelings - both good and bad
  • Realize it doesn't have to be the best holiday ever - just get through it!
  • Find something different to do
  • Go to a buffet instead of fixing the big meal
  • Leave town
  • Take the pressure off of yourself - don't fake it
  • Have reasonable expectations of yourself and others
  • Add something to your tradition that honors your loved one - light a candle
  • Create whatever holiday you want

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HOLIDAY SUGGESTIONS

The holidays are difficult for all who have lost a loved one to suicide, but especially poignant for the survivor who is newly bereaved. We remember happier holidays spent with all family members present. As the years go by, the sadness becomes less overwhelming but it lingers. Usually, there is joy to be found but one must make a conscious effort to find it. Most survivors have found it helps to have a holiday plan and to change some of the family traditions. Here are some suggestions from experienced survivors who found them helpful.
  1. Take care of yourself; eat right; schedule some time for exercise and get plenty of sleep.
  2. Do your holiday shopping early to eliminate unnecessary stress.
  3. Decide what you can handle comfortably and let those needs be known to family, friends and relatives.
  4. If you find things aren't going well, set limitations and do only the things that are most important to you.
  5. Plan your holidays ahead of time. Having a schedule of known activities relieves some of the tension.
  6. Don't hesitate to make changes in your holiday tradition; it can make things less painful.
  7. Start a new tradition - one as simple as discarding an old recipe and trying a new one, the time you open your presents, time of the holiday meal, etc.
  8. Plan to be with people you enjoy.
  9. Buy yourself something special.
  10. If you feel the need to cry, remember tears are an honest expression of love and emotion.
  11. Some have found comfort in spending the holidays away from home.
  12. If the thought of sending holiday cards is too painful, give yourself permission not to send them.
  13. If you feel uncomfortable about one Christmas stocking being missing, don't hang any or substitute something else to fill.
  14. Many have found comfort in doing something for others; give a gift in memory of your loved one to your favorite charity, invite a senior citizen, foreign student or guest to share your festivities, etc.
  15. Include the deceased in your conversations with family and friends when you discuss past holidays. Some survivors have experienced disappointment when their loved one was excluded from holiday conversations. Having a discussion with your family beforehand helps to avoid this situation and additional grief.
Reprinted from Survivors After Suicide Newsletter, Los Angeles, CA December 1991

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HELP FOR THE HOLIDAYS

From Bereavement and Support by Marylou HughesTaylor & Francis, 1995, Used with permission
  1. Get your fears about the holidays out of your system. Write them down. Know what they are.
  2. Plan ahead. Know what you want to do, are willing to do, or do not want to do.
  3. See the holidays as a series of small events instead of an endless stream of pain. You can handle one event at a time.
  4. Decide if you want to continue with family traditions, alter them, or start all over with your own traditions.
  5. Try to keep holiday planning and celebrations simple. Do not ask too much of yourself. Do not get too tired.
  6. Put some effort into seeing that someone else has a wonderful holiday. Visit nursing homes. Work on a holiday dinner at a charitable organization. Find satisfaction in doing for others. 
  7. Go on a trip.
  8. Take a friend or relative to a spectator event, such as a play, concert, or sporting event.
  9. Talk about your feelings. Cry, laugh. Do not try to hide your honest emotions.
  10. Remember your responsibility to yourself. Take care of yourself!
  11. Shop early or by mail order if you want to avoid the holiday hoopla.
  12. Give yourself a nice present.
  13. Decide how you will answer all the cheerful greetings of the holiday season. When you hear "Happy Holidays!" you may want to say, "Thanks, happy holidays to you." or "I'm trying." 
  14. Talk about the deceased if you want to. Look for positive memories.

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RECLAIMING OUR JOY
A Basic Plan for Surviving the Holidays After The Loss Of A Loved One

Shortly after my son's suicide in 1993, a wise counselor told me not to let that death take away my joy. At the time, those words fell on deaf ears. But, as the days passed and healing began, his guidance became my mission - to somehow reclaim my joy after experiencing the incomprehensible suicide death of my child. The powerful and overwhelming emotions that embody the grieving process tend to be magnified during the holidays - a time when memories of our missing loved ones are especially painful. Family gatherings are wearying reminders of the stark reality of our loss. Here are some steps that we can take together to endeavor to recover our God-given joy during a difficult holiday season.

Decide to Prepare
Plan ahead for the pitfalls of holiday bereavement. Educate yourself in the fine art of surviving the holidays and equip yourself for the season. Beware of the expectations of others and choose to get through the holidays YOUR WAY!

Determine to Feel
Give yourself permission to grieve during the holidays instead of "stuffing" or denying your emotions. Resist the urge to "shut down" emotionally until next year. Trust me, the feelings will still be on that shelf on January 1st, and they will, more than likely, be even more powerful and destructive than they were in December.

Commit to Connect
Choose to be around safe, supportive people during the holidays - people who will let you have your grief. Make a conscious decision to stay connected to God and His people at a time when you may want to isolate to ease your pain. We serve a loving, comforting God and there is great healing in His community. Reach out and take the light and love that others offer during the holidays - and, in turn, give whatever you can to those who reach out to you.

 Linda Flatt ~ November 1998